**croftie's corner**

My mind is filled with too much thoughts about love for quite some time already... it feels like a thousand demons trapped in my head, whispering every second all sorts of stories, emotions, regrets, and wishful thinkings I kept to myself. I stared blankly for a moment (oh! how I thought my fingers will remain still) hoping to release all these. Surrounding me are all kinds of media... name it: computer, journal and pen, sketch pad and charcoal pencil, books... I just want to drain it from my system.

*sigh* and say:

enough for now.

* croftie's corner *

Haunted by her past, she decided to talk about cliches and cycles. But feelings are some times too temporary, it keeps flashing every second in one's heart like popping ads in one's computer and at one click it's gone. Its intensity oftentimes fooled her to be something it's not. Above it all, she's glad and proud that it didn't fool her this time. She surpassed one of the greatest challenges in her life, and that is to end cycles and to finally hold what she truly values.

I was overwhelmed a week ago. It was my last week at work but one of the best times of my life, the sweetest goodbye I ever had (if there is such thing). I've a lot of friends, name it: buddies, close friends, best friends, sisters, and so on... and despite the long friendships and amount of bondings, I never expected to feel this much special by people who I have just interacted with for two months. I never expected to have made such impact in their lives in my two-months stay at our office. But these people whom I have shared few moments with have made me feel so blessed and appreciated. I have never been surprised by my friends, well I'm talking about nice surprises, those kinds wherein you would definitely cry out of happiness. But these people I thought would care less about my existence turned out to be the most caring. Here it is, they gave me a surprise gift on my last day. A simple framed cartoon drawing having the whole HR staff post-its message for me and another framed collage of my cluster team mates' pictures and their thoughtful messages. Yes, it is nothing so big compared to a party or paycheck but the impact it left on me is not comparable to any material thing. The feeling of goodness is so immense and it made me more grateful than ever.

*croftie's corner*

Let's talk about cliches and cycles.. Let's start with this one, the unexpected truly happens and dreams do (some times) turn into reality.. yes, it all started two nights ago. I've been very busy with work and plotting my future lately.. a future where the commonly asked lovelife is set aside. I am sailing smoothly in a calm lake until I woke up again from a sweet slumber because of a text message from an unknown number yet very familiar person. Someone close to me before, so close yet so far now.

Time moves swiftly for those who want to stop it, even faster for those who try to ignore it. His voice, our conversation.. everything seemed so natural. Practiced dialogues.. "Hi" "Good for you! I am so happy for you" "Well, I'm doing great! never been this good" were all consumed by the time he answered me when I asked him why he wanted to talk to me. All expectations suddenly faded, I felt relieved he is not getting married or got his girlfriend pregnant. He just simply wanted to talk to me.. no counseling, no arguments, no room for regrets. But this is not any simple conversation, he's finally saying goodbye. He's going to China a few days from now. I was speechless but fortunately I still have some lines left to utter.. and I said "That's good!" but it didn't made him happy, maybe we both just got the unexpected.

How do you talk and laugh with someone you shared your world with before? Certainly awkward yet every bitterness left and hatred kept were all suddenly gone upon hearing from him that he's leaving. How would you miss someone who has been gone for long? Certainly, the worst of all kinds of longing. As much as my mind wanted to not look back to what went before and what might have been my feelings sing a different tune, a tune I swore never to hum again.

...to be continued.

Currently Listening D'sound the Very Best of Smooth Escapes People are people see related

*About Me*

I am the one who believes in all that you say / I am the one who never wants to define herself / I am the one who's paralell, upfront, and behind / I am the one paddling crazy through the night / Refine, old time, colourblind / Big sign, do time, doesn't rhyme / A lot, too much, standing tall / And I'm crying in the valley / "I shall never ever fall!" / People are people /  And I feel so strong / People are people / I'm going on / I am the one who stirs it up everytime / I am the one who never knows how close she is / I am the one who'd rather be dead than confess / I am the one trying to be good, wanting to be bad, and so on.../ Excess, temptress, big mess / Phoney, lonely, it's a test / Be still my heart, don't you fail / And I'm crying on the stagefloor / "I will always prevail!" / And I'm going on...

Currently Watching Under the Tuscan Sun (Full Screen Edition) By Diane Lane, Sandra Oh, Raoul Bova see related

Dolce Vita!

"Work like you don't need money, Love like you've never been hurt, & Dance like no one's watching"

Having to wake up early in a Sunday morning is really hard. I slept late last night reading Arundhati Roy’s God of Small Things. After which was a short exchange of messages with my best bud who surprisingly asked how I was after weeks of neither receiving hello or hi from him. So there, I have to drag myself to the nearest station and go to school in a peaceful Sunday morning for my review classes. Oh… I was really sleepy the whole day and it felt like my eyelids are balancing a ton of baggage that will fall any second. Thank goodness! We discussed and reviewed Filipino in the afternoon and I must say that our teacher at that session was really effective. Somehow, I was delighted with my diagnostic test results knowing only 3 of us got the passing mark. How ironic… how most people in the class belittle this subject matter when in fact they can’t even pronounce a word right! And guess what? They call themselves, Filipino. Here I am again, back in those days when I felt so blessed every time I meet someone in school who share a similar passion for Filipino culture and literature and who can speak and attempts to speak Filipino properly. That is the reason why I am so glad to have my Sikolohiyang Pilipino class with Dr.Zeus, my foster father…hehehe. He ignited my blazing sense of nationalism and filled me with encouragement that will never cease to inspire me. Going back to my review class, I found consolation in our discussion that breezed through Filipino history, arts, and literature. We were dismissed early but unfortunately I have to wait for an hour with the company of irritating mosquitoes in Southgate. After finishing a chapter and having munched a pack of Maltesers, I was finally on my way home. Luckily, my mom prepared my favorite quesadillas and nachos for dinner and oh! They bought me jalapenos and chili sauce. I must say I had a heavenly dinner, thanx Mom! I think the jalapenos, pepper, and chili have already awakened my drowsy senses before I went upstairs to at last… sleep.  I instead watched TV while trying to curl my hair for no apparent reason but maybe to just entertain myself. After scanning from one program to another, I felt exasperated for losing my sleepy mode. But Life is good, I was kept awake for another reason… I almost forgot that Under the Tuscan Sun is showing in Star Movies. I ignored my distracting exasperation and focused on this film that I wanted to watch even before.

I didn’t notice that I was smiling the whole time. I laughed seeing myself curling like a baby from my seat, hugging my knees, and rocking slowly as if I am being hushed with a sweet lullaby. It has been so long since I felt this good, truly, dolce vita. Unlike any ordinary chick flick that I have seen, this film didn’t left me crying or teary-eyed but it has successfully moved me within. It seems that I have traveled from my comfortable seat to be just an invisible observer, like the wind, watching each event and character closely. Everything in it seems to be a song. The cinematography is like rhythmic poetry and the story itself appears to be a festive dance while watching it feels like daydreaming in a mat of sweet-smelling grass. Under the Tuscan Sun has become one of my favorites, something I will cherish for years to come because it has brought back my childlike enthusiasm and innocence. And now, that I have decided to end my restlessness and melancholy by entrusting my hopes to faith… let it be that lady bugs come after me when I open my eyes and wake up.

******************************************************

"Dance, when you're broken open

 Dance, if you've torn the bandage off

 Dance in the middle of the fighting

 Dance in your blood

 Dance, when you're perfectly free"

 - Rumi